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| Jokes; pls contribute if you have any | |
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| Topic Started: 10 Jul 2010, 21:15 (738 Views) | |
| airtime | 8 Sep 2010, 11:49 Post #21 |
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 keep it coming,rookie!
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| rookie | 19 Sep 2010, 23:13 Post #22 |
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Why I'm Depressed: Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land." Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land." Today, Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land! I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck..... |
 
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| eufc19 | 20 Sep 2010, 15:22 Post #23 |
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this is better than comics
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| rookie | 20 Sep 2010, 21:40 Post #24 |
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Twelve Irish priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Connor. Poor Connor. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Connor quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up... and all the other bells started to ring. |
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| airtime | 20 Sep 2010, 23:28 Post #25 |
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keep it coming.rookie!
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| rookie | 22 Sep 2010, 17:02 Post #26 |
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A guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What’s your IQ?" The guy says, "168". The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology. The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini". Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "What’s your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors. The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What’s your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?" |
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| rookie | 23 Sep 2010, 23:05 Post #27 |
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A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to Kenny the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.' Kenny the old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?' The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up And I am taking over.' The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.' Kenny the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They run round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch. When he sees the roosters running past, Kenny the Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit.....Third gay rooster I bought this month.' |
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| rookie | 25 Sep 2010, 21:02 Post #28 |
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The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the Midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a Hernia. 'Aha!' mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. 'Aha!' said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip- snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip- snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his balls were no longer aching. The doctor said, 'How does that feel now?' The midget replied, 'Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?' The doctor replied 'I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.' |
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| rookie | 30 Sep 2010, 22:22 Post #29 |
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A newspaper reporter was interviewing an old Native American Indian Chief about tribal life, when the subject of the Chief’s wife came up. “What’s your wife's name?” asked the reporter. The old Chief replied, "She Five Horses.” The reporter added that it was an unusual name, to which the old Chief replied, "It old Indian Name.” Now curious, the reporter asked what it meant. The old Chief answered, “NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!” |
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| rookie | 5 Dec 2010, 19:49 Post #30 |
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His and Her Diaries Her Diary: "Tonight, I thought Rick was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ His Diary: "Motorcycle wouldn't start. Still can't figure it out... but at least I got laid." |
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| rookie | 21 Dec 2010, 20:59 Post #31 |
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christmas tree A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers,'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs... In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry. 'This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there? The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,'Well dear, a man goes through three phases..... In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.' 'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration. Merry X'mas Guys!! |
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| rookie | 7 Oct 2011, 22:03 Post #32 |
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Three businessmen were sitting in a sauna when suddenly they heard a 'beeping' sound The merchant banker pressed his forearm and the noise stopped. The others looked at him and questioningly ... "That was my pager" he said, "I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm". A few moments later a 'phone rang. The Stockbroker lifted his hand and placed the palm to his ear. When he had finished he said "That was my mobile 'phone. I have a microchip in my hand". The self-employed motorcycle mechanic felt really low-tech but decided to do something just as impressive. He left the sauna and went to the bathroom. When he returned there was a piece of toilet tissue hanging from his bottom. As the other men looked at him with their eyebrows raised he said ... "Well, will you look at that. I am getting a FAX"
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| rookie | 9 Nov 2011, 17:08 Post #33 |
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A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Get in line." |
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12:21 AM May 21